Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
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Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
I can’t stop watching this.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman