ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
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That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Spotted in New Orleans.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees