Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!

me: is there a doctor on this plane?????

doctor: i’m a doctor

me: my mom wants us to meet

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.

Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?

Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now

Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.

Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.

This is the best photo of Mount Fuji

I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞