me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
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the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Who says great literature is dead?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.