Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
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If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
