Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
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Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can鈥檛 train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they鈥檙e robots.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she鈥檚 EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Now that we鈥檙e divorcing,
I鈥檓 definitely not finishing that scarf I鈥檝e been knitting you for nine years
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we鈥檙e not heating the outside!
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Good morning, Twitter 馃槉
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 馃槒
Her: oh.. 馃槈 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
5 ways to appear taller
The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Sorry, ma鈥檃m. I鈥檓 a solid 4 1/2. You鈥檙e an 8. You鈥檙e out of my league.