Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
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Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Good for him.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.