Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*

me: *getting murdered*

wait.. did you wash your hands?

News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.

God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail

–the invention of zebras

Me: I forbid you to go!

Her: What was that?

Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

[first date]

him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.

me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.

My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!

2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

Me: we can all get along and live in unity

Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.

Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon

Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.

Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.

What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?

Speck taters

[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up

Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?

Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao

Accountant: what

Willy Wonka: what