Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep

Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?

Me either. That’d be gross.

Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!

Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.

Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.

ME: oh yeah? How much?

WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9

All generalizations are stupid.

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.

Imagine if food was sports

No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”

Her: “Yes”

Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”

“Wait, what?!”