Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

Meanwhile in Portland…

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.

My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]

“Rest in peace.”

My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.