Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?

BF: just turn it around.

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭

My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…

“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”

~me, never

i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*