Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

This pepper has seen some $h1t.

Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.

Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.

*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*

My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.

#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.

Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?

God: Lighten up drama queen.

The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”

*Bat signal lights up Gotham*

Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*

so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.

Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.

“Mummy, you look pretty today.”

If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.

There is no “ea” in Tim.

I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.

Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.

Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.