Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.

Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!

*phone rings*

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Could you do it?’

For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts

SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you

My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.

💀

Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?

Women: no

TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people

Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW

[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes

maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

Therapist: Would you date yourself?

Me: No, I deserve better…