Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
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“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.