@AnkCoupleTO

Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir

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@NoTheOtherJohn

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

@jnrbtsn

He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it’s all screaming and shit.

@hypervoid

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

@curlycomedy

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.

@bananagrvyrd

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

@tastefactory

2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over

@omgthatspunny

Cinderella was thrown off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball.

@CulturedRuffian

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.