Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
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It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
🙁
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to