Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.

I need to get some bricks…

Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?

ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?

STUDENT: um

ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor

“How cute. You have smile lines”

Me: those are from clenching my jaw

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

Body by burrito

they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.

Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same

Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions

Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.

[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”

ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.