Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
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Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.