Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
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“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Rooting for the overdog
So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.
He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:
— where they were all rural cattle farmers.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”