Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
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“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.