Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

ㅤ

someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”

*names my little horse OneTrick*

Trying

The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.

Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.

By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.

ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.

Lost my job as a bus driver.

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.