Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids are funny:

8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”

4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”

Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

Me: oh shit I am running so late

My dog: [barfs]

Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.

When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me

“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well

The struggle is real.

Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

therapist: why do you do that

me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.

I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN

Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’

Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.