Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.

[10 mins later]

Also me: I guess this is later enough.

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things

Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]

quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.

If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me

7 year old: Cruella DeVille is a bad person

Me: judging by your dusty ass coat I can see why you would think that

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.

The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

“I’ll just use bug spray”

Mosquitos in the Midwest

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”