Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

me logging onto twitter

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene

Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?

Me: I don’t know, CAN you?

*High-fives high school English teacher*

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita

Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight

There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’

People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true

How and why my FUR ROOM exists

being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot

When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?

Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.