Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.

God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife

Joseph:

God: starrrrrting now

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!

Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?

My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉

My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER

Me: yeah ;(

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!

*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*

Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.

Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.

I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before