Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real

[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…

[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE

Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.

Keith: Shut it.

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

Me: I’ll never be like my parents

Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!

The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.

Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

That worked out so much differently in my head.

– an autobiography

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

In the Target toy aisles-

“No, please put that back”

“I said we aren’t buying anything today”

“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”

– and that’s just me to my husband