Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
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Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
It’s so cold that men who wear shorts outside in the winter are wearing TWO pairs of shorts
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
“What do your tattoos mean?”
That I cannot be trusted with $700, Susan. That’s what they mean.
can i punch you in the face but like romantically?
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
first responders? you mean reply guys?
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.