Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.

This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

This headline is a thing of beauty

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

50 shades of grey = my Liver

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?

ME: ew, why you so jelly?

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

when revenge coincides with naptime