Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.

Judas: Never. He’s my friend.

Council: …and an iPad.

Judas: I hate that guy.

I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.

if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.

give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

The accuracy #BlowsMyMind

Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!

[the first ever boomerang]

HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.

– looking for shells on the north pole beach

being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?

There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

20s wristband:
After hours club.

50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’

*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree

[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches

what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.