Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
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turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”