Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
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“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
*serious situation*
My brain:
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.