Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
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PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*
…*exhale*…
…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.