me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

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This is embarrassing.

I tunneled through my wall to escape work and ended up in my boss’s office.

He’s watching me tweet this.

I’m fired.


Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside


Piracy dates back to the 14th century, when armed criminals boarded ships and viciously watched movies that weren’t out yet


You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.


F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,


hey Liam Neeson is your “particular set of skills” gettin shit stolen from you, like, always ?


Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.


Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.


I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁