me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
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Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Monday
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick