Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.

Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth

The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains

[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

🤣

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

ADAM: oh look the McRib is back

EVE: stop calling me that

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.

“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”

~Bamm Bamm

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs

Smells like a challenge to me

“The Perfect Relationship”

[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.

Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon