Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
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*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Saturday
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Me if I was a dog
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’