Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

this is literally a CIA plant

Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.

Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful

Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency

Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah

Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.

Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

Thursday Thought.

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people