Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.

Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake

Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

Actually cracking up @ this

DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party

Babe, are you today’s date cuz you’re a 1/10

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.

{first date}

Him: I’m 100% Italian.

*trying to impress him*

Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

My iPhone does NOT rule my life.

Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

Nigella has gone too far this time.

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

shit, they caught us—run!!!

“i’m in your city”

uhhh have fun??