Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
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My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow