Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.

BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”

Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:

3) They need their rest.

2) Routine is important.

1) “Game of Thrones” is on.

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

How much for the sentient racist skeleton?

“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”