Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
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The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
British people
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
#Caturday
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Sorry. Not sorry
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?