Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?

susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons

teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice

Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.

Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

Me: *taking an art appreciation class*

Instructor: Please bring my students back

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004

Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

[ My unaired House hunters episode ]

Realtor: So what’s your budget?

Me: My budget?

Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?

Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.

(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)

9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?

Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm

9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)

Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit