STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
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If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget