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@Cryptoterra

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

@AskAuntieEm1

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

@charliedelta7

I’m so hungry, I could eat this food without even instagraming it first. No, but seriously, I’m going to instagram it first. Don’t be crazy

@realHamOnWry

73% of being white is looking like every limb hears a different beat when you’re dancing.

@PatsATweetin

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

@AimeeHelene1

*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*

@TheBoydP

If by “chivalry is dead” you mean “I put my coat in a puddle for my wife so she’s making me do laundry for a week” then yes chivalry is dead

@toastymoe

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

@pilau

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together