ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
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Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
me when the borders lift
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too