Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

*bugs bunny*

bunny: stop bothering me

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.

Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird

Remember that it’s “i before e” …

Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.

Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.

who called it a toilet and not an IP address

Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?

5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope

Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*

Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”

7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”

Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”

7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”