Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
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uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today