Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

Succinctly put.

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK

This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.

I love the National Park Service.

I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.

My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???

Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever

[Courtroom]

Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.

Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?

Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

Her: I’d really love some flowers.

Him: Orchids?

Her: No, just flowers.

Me: What’s your favorite fruit?

Son #2: Tacos.

Me: No, I said fruit.

S2: You have my answer.

reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it