Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
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I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.