Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
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He is just living hist best little life 😊
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer