Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?

I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.

Especially from you-know-who.

It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late

Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.

Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!

How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”

*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.

If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.