Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
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My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
the saddest jazz hands ever
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.