Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
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Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I can’t wait!
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
True freaking story!
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Seas the day!!!!
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?