ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
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Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Can. I. Help. You.
👾👾👾
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch