Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*

Pirate Lois Lane: OMG

MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother

ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother

Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”

Doctor: “How often does this occur?”

Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”

Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of

Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air

Sharks: [losing teeth]

Tooth fairy: please stop

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.

Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals

ME: no problem

[later w/ a group]

ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…

OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway

Sounds about right. 😂🤣

Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment

HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.