Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like

[princess gets captured in a castle]

[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]

Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.

when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

Every Crock-Pot recipe:

– throw in anything you have left in the house

– cook three to eleven hours.

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.

Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.

When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

What a chick magnet..

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.

TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.

Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs

me: do you have spaghetti?

mcdonalds cashier: …no

me: would you like some?