Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.

although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”

Drive as I say, not as I drive.

*Tries to get makeup off*

Makeup: I have a boyfriend.

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.