Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
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wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.