Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
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“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.