Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
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[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.