me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
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Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
the rocks need my help
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Isn’t
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.