Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whatcha thinkin bout

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter

No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch

A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.

I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!

Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business

I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks

I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”

I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no

I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities