ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
You Might Also Like
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid