Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
You Might Also Like
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.