me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
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Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.