me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
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Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
me when somebody idk start touching me
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.