me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
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Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Check out the legs on this baby
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.