me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
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Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Monica just destroyed the internet
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
There is no “we” in pizza
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit