Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

ME: What do you want for our anniversary?

WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch

ME: Ok

WIFE: You’re not going to write it down

ME: Nah, I’ll remember

[later]

WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?

Two types of dogs.

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

[First day of jury duty]

*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?

hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS

I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen

Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long

Me: yeah that was on purpose

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.

Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.

I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight