Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
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Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”