Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.

Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

a god among men

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’

Me: ‘It’s fine.’

We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”

[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless

Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?

Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!

Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.

Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

me: *ordering an orange juice*

8yo: does it have pulp?

me: I’m not sure

8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way