Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
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“HELP WITH CAT”
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Children of the corn 🌽
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
This is my emotional support knife.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.