Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Donkey I Shreked the Kids

Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

courtroom exchange of the day

Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.

*feels comfortable*

comfortable: *slaps hand away*

It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.

[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this

Sponch

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.