me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
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[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
I have a black belt in leather
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard