Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess

I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.

Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?

Beyon-sleigh.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you

daughter: no I have my own banana

me: haha I know but its like a phone

daughter: how

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth

– the groceries in the back of my car

Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?

Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.

Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.

*at the vet*

me: my new cat won’t stop hissing

vet: ma’am this is a cockroach

me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

Am getting real tired of your crap…

WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF

can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!

Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.

if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.