me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
You Might Also Like
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
was Jim off killing horses or…
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament